Two steps forward, one step back

Most days, I feel like I have my s**t together.  I manage the kid, the dog, the husband, the house, and the job.  I'm exhausted, but I get what needs to get done completed.  It ends up with me getting very little time to myself.  I prioritize a few *Sarah things* during the week...watching "Dancing with the Stars" every Monday, getting a pedicure every few weeks, trying to squeeze in a workout at lunch, and reading a book, even just a few pages, before bed every night.  I feel like I'm giving so much to everyone else during the day that focusing on me for just a bit feels heavenly and selfish at the same time.  It's a constant struggle.


When P was almost 4 months old, I broke a little.  After talking to a doctor, I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression.  Knowing I wasn't going crazy and that I could work on fixing this was empowering.  I was put on some medication and have been on it ever since.  Generally, I feel pretty good.  But just when I feel like I'm going to be ready to come off the meds soon, I have a weekend like this past weekend, and I question everything.

My sleeping prince...

P hasn't been feeling the greatest since Thursday and was running a low grade fever, coughing, and congested.  This is pretty much par for the course for us anymore (thanks, daycare), but he wasn't himself this weekend.  On Saturday, he took four naps, all on me (with the exception of one which was on A).  I was able to break away during the nap on dad and walked the dog and got a pedicure.  Overall, Saturday wasn't horrible, but we didn't get anything done and I felt a little stir crazy by the end of the day.  But such is life with a baby.


Sunday was a different story.  A had a flat tire and needed to get it fixed, leaving me with P alone.  Normally, this isn't a big deal.  I wrangled the stroller and the dog and we went on a long walk.  And then the whining started.  I know, he's a baby.  But everyone reaches a breaking point.  It was a lot of crying, not wanting to be left alone, and general neediness.  Normally, I am all about some baby cuddles, but I was having a bad day and the more restless he became, the more annoyed I became. 


Once A got done with his truck, I basically tossed the baby at him (not really) and just laid on the couch.  I was done.  Done with dealing with it all and done with feeling guilty about feeling done with dealing with it all.  That's the thing about PPD, it makes no sense and sometimes the feelings hit you so hard and fast that your brain can hardly keep up.

Me and my littlest guy.

I love P.  I mean seriously, look at those cheeks?  I would never do anything bad to him.  But one of the challenges with PPD is that you have to know your limits.  When your brain starts heading down a dark road, you need to acknowledge it and give yourself some space.  Be okay with allowing yourself a little bit of grace.  I struggle with that a lot because I expect myself to handle it all.  And while I can most days, there are those times when I can't.  And that is when I need to remember I'm part of a team and I'm not in this alone. 

Again? Yes, again!

My little family...

I have been blogging, on and off, since 2007.  I have blogged through two deployments, break-ups, and my engagement and wedding.  I honed my baking skills through blogging and have met some amazing people, through blogging.  I loved my old blog but I can't make it what I want it to be anymore. 

Koda is a paci bandit.

My life is different now.  A lot different.  After A and I got married, we almost immediately added to our family with our furry baby, Koda.  Koda is a Labrador retriever and German shorthair pointer mix.  He is easily the goofiest dog I have ever met and he loves me with a fierce intensity.  He is loving, thinks the world revolves around him, has never met a stranger, and is incredibly naughty.  But we love him and he is such a fun addition to our little family.

He is a super unhappy baby, obviously.

A few months after we got Koda, I found out I was pregnant.  We had planned on trying to get pregnant soon after getting married, but I honestly didn't expect it to happen so quickly.  A little over a month after our first wedding anniversary, we welcomed a little boy into this crazy life.  P is a happy, easy going, adorable little guy.  We are screaming up to 9 months old and all he wants to do is stand up.  I fear we will have a walker on our hands sooner than I thought!


I find myself these days sort of lost.  With so much change in the last two years (we also moved), it's been hard to find that new normal we are living in and make it work for me.  I struggled with Post Partum Depression after P was born and am still dealing with it.  I'm struggling on finding a balance of taking care of my entire family and still taking care of myself.  It's a constant struggle.  A struggle I wouldn't change for the world, but a struggle nonetheless. 


Through all of it, I find myself coming back to blogging.  I read something online and think, "I wish I could blog about that," or something happens that I want to document or share and I don't.  The old blog isn't appropriate for where my life is anymore.  It was a baking blog that morphed into a lifestyle blog, sort of.  At this season in my life, I think just a "life" blog is more my style.  A place where I can share whatever I want...baby pics, funny stories, deep thoughts, recipes, projects, etc.


I find myself wishing for days to be over since they are exhausting and all I want to do is sleep.  But I need to remember, the sweetness is in the moments.  I don't want to ever forget that.  P won't be the little and snuggly forever.  Koda won't always have this insane amount of energy.  I want to appreciate all my life has offered me.


I hope you enjoy the randomness that I hope to show here.  It won't always be pretty, but that is life and the sweetness in the moments of life are what it's all about.